this is not a diary, again...

I spent the evening playing in the rain, with my group...at a park, dancing to a blue grass band...games like vampire, soggy weenies, etc etc.

I do not remember the last time I ever played.

Even crazier...so most people do not know this about me: I am an incredibly goofy dumbass somewhere deep down inside. My actual personality is probably that of a ten-year old (the only person who really knows this is Tina). But lately, and by lately I mean these past few years...that has pretty much been buried by other things.

So I've realized that despite the challenges of this program...my goofy, dumbass self is peaking through. I am pestering people, making goofy faces and noises, dancing to all music and bug noises, kart-wheeling, singing in all sorts of voices, playing pranks...literally uncovering I don't know what. What is that? Is that my real self if it's been gone so long? My old self? One of my alter egos?

Anyhow, this playing thing--it really got me thinking. And as I sat there thinking I am wasting my life being serious, fuckin a, I should just play around every day, I am also haunted by far more alarming thoughts. Strange ambitions into elected office. What the fuck? You are just as shocked as I am. I have just spent monthes developing my abhorrence for elected office.

Funny thing: I wanted to sort out all of my ambitions and personas and dilemmas and jitters. But I am starting to think that no sorting out can be done--I am genuinely, 100% just all over the place.