this is not a diary

My blog is NOT a diary, but in writing about my experiences in DC over the summer, I feel like the boundaries have been blurred.

With everything I am feeling and doing, I may very well be approaching sensory overload. I would love to divulge the extent of my work, but one must never reveal one's strategy. Suffice it to say I am becoming quite involved with campaigning--specifically bird dogging.

Aside from literally working my ass off, I have to admit I have a problem. Maybe if I publish my problem on the blogosphere, it will force me to deal with it. Anyhow, I doubt any one other than myself takes it seriously.

I have had this for a while. I noticed it getting slightly worse when I could not remember if I washed my hair in the shower or not--and may (or may not have) washed it three times. And then of course, my gorgeous driving record went up in flames when I got in 3 car accidents in 3 months. But even then...no, not so worried.

Although I love my work and training, it has been hard for me to focus throughout the day. I get so lost in thought that I completely tune out of where I am and what I am doing. I hear absolutely nothing, I see absolutely nothing. I am gone off somewhere in my brain thinking. Clearly this isn't a chronic problem...there are many times in the day where I am invested and working with the material presented. But the other day on the metro, I actually frightened myself.

I jumped on the red line in China Town, and literally had to go only one stop to the Metro Center. I sat down on the metro, waiting to leave. I suppose I went off thinking about something, because by the time I checked back in with reality, the metro was still not moving. I had no idea how long I had been sitting there, and thought we didn't even leave China Town yet. I stupidly asked the person next to me (who clearly thought I was on drugs) where we were and if we had moved--turns out we had gone three stops, and I was so disoriented I really did not know what happened.

Fine, not a big deal. I did not end up in another state. But it is still creepy to know that I just check farther and farther out of reality.

That day at the metro really taught me a lesson. Now when people talk, I force myself to visualize the words, and that keeps my engaged. I am glad I am trying to stay focused...it's just sooooo fucking annoying. It's like when I went to physical therapy to learn how to walk, and had to think "heal, toe, heal, toe" all fucking day long.