I think that what I am about to post is extremely important for women to think about, regardless of whether or not they agree with me. I have dealt with this issue in the past, but since it just came up again today, I thought I'd throw it out there.
What is going on with this strange and dominant assumption that if you are a woman, men only have a vested sexual interest if you? That is to say, you are only a vagina, and not a friend or person. I even do this.
Relevant example from my life: As I frequent the gym, I have gotten to know a lot of the people who work there and, since I am rather chatty, have a few with whom I visit. One of them happens to be a male (who I am assuming is attracted to women).
Tonight at the gym was like any other night, and as I was leaving, Gym Guy and I had a few words, and Monika (who apparently glanced back), said, "Vanessa, he is definately talking about you."
It was at this point that I began to objectify myself, because I immediately start thinking: Oy vey, I should stop being so friendly and loquacious (a.k.a being myself). If Monika's assessment is correct, and I have every reason to trust her judgement, and Gym Guy does "like" me--what if he asks for my number? I would have to awkwardly make it clear that I am not "in the market" so to speak--which is such a weird conversation.
And this is when I think to myself: What the hell am I doing? Am I reinforcing this idea that I am just a vagina? So if someone can't, in the words of Borat, "gain entrance"--I am useless? What does that say about what I think about myself as a woman and as a human being?
Now that this comes to my attention, there is something really weird about the fact that if someone of the opposite sex approaches you (and we are assuming a heteronormative setting...or at least bisexual), talks to you, asks for your number--whatever--there is this assumption that there is a vested interest in your goodies.
Doesn't it make more sense that the default is friendship? Like, friendship until proven otherwise?
The funny thing is that I have plenty of guy friends, absolutely adore them, and that is all well and good. But suddenly, out there on the open market, you suddenly feel like friendship is out of the question.
I have decided I am no longer going to humor such frameworks that posit me as a worthless sexual vessel and nothing more.
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4 comments:
Great post. Although I don’t think that it should impact your view of yourself, it can make it hard to be friends with somebody if they are interested in you sexually (even if they aren’t only interested in you sexually). For example, I thought this girl from class this summer was really cool and I tried to become friends with her. It made it impossible to be friends when she continually asked me out for dinner. On the other hand, I have been able to maintain a very close friendship with my ex-girlfriend. I would say that you should always give people the benefit of the doubt. Its not really fair to assume anything about their intentions.
I agree with you. I feel like I try to do that sometimes. I also feel like I get that "you're leading him on" or that guys "just want to know" from the get go sort of deal. I don't know. I agree, but I wonder to what extent you consider the other person's world view? Hm, lets keep elaborating.
So if you gather by the overall package that the person is a tool, then be blunt with the tool bag.
But if it is obviously a person of redeeming character, you can act like a human being.
?
I totally agree as well - it's amazing how change starts internally... and how society's view of a woman's worth can get ingrained in your head!
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