Audiotopia

I want to explain my return to productive sanity through the concept of audiotopia--which is basically the fantasy world and/or escape one can create with music.

Every morning, I make the (at least) one-hour drive to school. If it weren't for my music, I don't know that I would be alive today. In fact, it is in that one-hour where my daily mood shift takes place. Each day, I wake up in disbelief that I actually have to move. I resentfully drag my limp body in the car (although this has been changed with my new hit single, Coffee Thermos)--in disbelief I actually have to go to school.

But then, with the aid of wind and coffee, I hit my soundtrack and BOOM, I achieve a sort of high, re-frame my mental outlook, and arrive at school, now functional enough.

Today's visit to my audiotopia was different--it was better. I almost want to tell run and tell Siddhartha that I experienced Om. I know I recently blogged about my chronic unmotivation, but somehow from my trip this morning, I have re-discovered my ability to excel, and more importantly, my desire.

I also defined my professional aspirations, which although have always been focused on civil rights, but have officially been narrowed down to transgender activism and policy. I am EXTREMELY disheartened by what is going on with the ENDA, and how the Human Rights Campaign turned its back on the T.

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, I have realized that I am very excited be "growing up". I have been thinking about this a lot since Dylan's recent bout with hysteria of aging, and reflected a lot about my historic phobia of the process.

I see now how the older I become, the more my achievements become my own. The older I become, the more my life becomes subject to my own will and discretion. The older I become, the more I can accomplish. The older I become, the more control I have over myself.

Being a child, although priceless, is an era of ignorance and illusion. I have decided that I am actually the child of Eve (no, not that I am easily beguiled), but that I much prefer knowledge over complacency and anti-curiosity, even if it is masqueraded as "paradise."