pseudo gynophobia

I have articulated a particular mental framework of mine, that I have appropriately coined pseudo gynophobia, and potentially pseudo misogyny, or an interesting combination. Actually, while this state of mind has had its roots in my head for some time, I find that it has been in critical acceleration these past fews months. I will explain.

This realization came to me as I was piecing together several internal beliefs that I hold as Vanessa truths. The first component is very physical. "Womanly" curves bother me (let me clarify--only on myself, not on others...which in and of itself is interesting), I have a personal vendetta against my birthing hips, would flip the fuck out if my boobs grew (unlike many other women), and fantasize about removing my uterus and/or ovaries every month.

The second component is reproductive. A few weeks ago, I saw a picture of a mother breastfeeding a new born in an anthropology book, and I literally (no sarcasm), gagged in disgust. That is actually something recent--in my younger years, I couldn't wait to suckle offspring like a cow. I thought my upchuck was strange...but let it go. Until last week I found myself in Whole Foods, and a woman was holding her tiny infant (it looked like it just burst out of her vagina yesterday). I happened to glance upon it, and accidentally (I swear, it was an accident) scowled and may have murmured "ehhhhhh". What was more uncomfortable is that the mother saw...and so I swiftly switched aisles. This is also an interesting turn--never before in my life have I considered newborns to be ghastly aliens, devoid of character, grossly dependent, and utterly repulsive (I like them at around 6 months and older. I am in love with toddlers).

The last component is psychological and emotional. I find myself alarmed at the thought of emotion and needs. To combat this fear, I pretty much deny or re-route my own, and aspire to be, in my word of choice, a machine (I mean this in the sense of working hard, adhering to a strict schedule, having top physical stamina, and maintaining strong goal orientation, ambition, and even aggression). Of course I still HIGHLY value relationships, but I expect that I let go and relate to others with a specific amount of control.

Curves, needs, babies...EWWWW--keep them all away from me. I want none of those things. What I WANT is to be intellectual, highly productive, adaptive, innovative, unlimited, unbothered, self-determined, independent, empowered, experienced, energetic, rational, objective, UNDAUNTED.

However, this is where the "pseudo" comes in...because curves, needs, babies and the like are not inherent in women--in fact, they are culturally implanted in the social construct of women. So what sickens me is nothing innately female--I think I am just really alarmed by constructions of femininity and offended by the way in which social institutions seriously wronged me for the first 18 years of my life--and continue to affect me, although I have the advantage of awareness. (Perhaps one could say that hips are a feature common in women because of reproductive capacities...but hips in no way define a woman, and there are plenty of women with small hips and breasts)

And before any one tries to say that I strive to be a "man," let me throw out one of my favorite quotes:

"...man is defined as a human being and woman is defined as a female. Whenever she tries to behave as a human being she is accused of trying to emulate the male"
--Simone de Beauvoir