this is still NOT a diary

I don't even know how to talk about this--I NEVER have this problem.

I AM SO FUCKING UNMOTIVATED; GETTING THROUGH THIS SEMESTER IS LIKE PULLING TEETH.

I realize this sounds very typical, and for many perhaps this is a way of life. But for me, school is like a third arm--it's an operating and lively appendage of my body. Studying is a compulsion, a reflex, my pride and joy. It is my privilege to learn. It is like breathing--I don't think twice.

So what the fuck is going on with me? I am in a state of alarm thinking about this. Especially because my regimen of work is strict and consistent--the way I have always preferred it--and so now enforcing it on my reluctant and flaccid body is painful.

Let me sort out the reasons:

a) The Hot Pocket (arrangement of friends I have lived with for 2 years) is dissolved.
b) I would say living at home is the problem, but I have no desire to live with anyone on campus (until senior year when B Dog returns and we will reunite with J in heavenly glory)
c) I find myself relating to people less, and isolating more.

but most importantly

d) I NEED TO GET OUT OF LOS ANGELES. I CANNOT TAKE THIS PLACE ANYMORE. I NEED A DIFFERENT CULTURE AND LIFESTYLE. I NEED TO PURSUE MY GOALS. JUST ONE SEMESTER AWAY, AND I WILL STUDY MY ASS OFF ALL SUMMER FOR MY LSATS IN MY PARENT'S HOUSE AND FINISH OFF SENIOR YEAR HERE WITH A SMILE. JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE. ANYWHERE BUT HERE. I WOULD RATHER GO BACK TO THE MILDEWY SHOWERS OF HAIFA THAN BE IN THIS SUFFOCATING CRAP HOLE ANY LONGER.

Glad I got that out. So one abroad application to South Africa is in, and the other application to Washington DC is on the way to being complete. The only obstacle remains a parental stamp of approval. Since my parents have absolutely no idea who I am, what I want from my life, what my goals are, or how I value my own self-determination, working this out will sort of be like banging my head against a wall over and over and over again.

In the mean time, the only reason I remain operational is because a) I laugh (although cynically) at everything going wrong; b) I sing in the car (a lot); c) I purchase Divine Grape Kombucha and espresso chocolate chip vegan cookies when I need a boost; d) I work out my anger at the gym; e) I am still passionate about life (although not Los Angeles); d) Dylan is amazing; e) I don't have to clean anything or wash clothes; f) There are people I care about; g) I know I have gone too far to give up now; h) I am too smart to act dumb (although I really wish I could...it would be such a nice change...); i) I really am a happy person with the best of intentions; j) I like challenges

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I have a midterm this week, and I am having such a hard time being productive. I don't even know why I keep blabbing on this post. And guess what? I refuse to proofread.

My only saving grace is that my next class is on female masculinity, lesbians, and transsexuals.